Shame
Shame is self-bullying behavior. Shame can be toxic, and deadly.
“Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.” ~Brene Brown
Shame is, “unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness….” (Wikipedia) I would add ‘inadequacy’ to the above definition.
Shame avoidance is common; we try to hide and conceal our shame, or escape it by shaming another person to relocate shame outside of our self.
For example, many people who are overweight in our svelte worshiping culture, often try to hide their shame with clothing, or by withdrawing from the social milieu. Conversely, they may engage in shaming thin people, projecting their shame outside of themselves.
The shame experience can trigger anger, activate abandonment fears and create unrealistic comparisons. Transferred toxic shame can make the recipient physically and emotionally ill.
It is important to distinguish shame from guilt, embarrassment and humiliation. Guilt is reacting to having done something bad, shame is the belief that we are bad. Embarrassment is feeling self-conscious, uneasy and awkward when committing a social faux pas or engaging in scandalous behavior that becomes public knowledge. Humiliation is disgrace, condescension, dishonor and shame.
Acknowledging our shame, working to understand our ‘inner life’ gifts us with an invaluable opportunity for achieving personal growth and psycho-spiritual maturation.
Working with shame requires us to recognize that we are not what we do. When our self-worth is attached to our roles as parents, daughters, sons, siblings, husbands or wives, artists, entrepreneurs, employees, scholars, etc., we will experience soul-devastation when things don’t go well.
“The underbelly of the human psyche, what is often referred to as our dark side, is the origin of every act of self-sabotage. Birthed out of shame, fear, and denial, it misdirects our good intentions and drives us to unthinkable acts of self-destruction and not-so-unbelievable acts of self-sabotage.” ~Debbie Ford
It is paramount when working with shame to be loving and compassionate to ourselves. Insecurities will arise, often when we are most vulnerable. Strive to identify the feelings behind them. Seek their origins and test them for their validity.
Move away from shame and toward embracing your authentic self, not the ‘who’ you think you are.
Blessings!
