Insights – Melannie Thomas

Archive for the ‘Dreams’ Category

Shame is self-bullying behavior.  Shame can be toxic, and deadly.

“Shame is the most powerful, master emotion.  It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.”  ~Brene Brown

Shame is, “unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness….”  (Wikipedia)  I would add ‘inadequacy’ to the above definition.

Shame avoidance is common; we try to hide and conceal our shame, or escape it by shaming another person to relocate shame outside of our self.

For example, many people who are overweight in our svelte worshiping culture, often try to hide their shame with clothing, or by withdrawing from the social milieu.  Conversely, they may engage in shaming thin people, projecting their shame outside of themselves.

The shame experience can trigger anger, activate abandonment fears and create unrealistic comparisons.  Transferred toxic shame can make the recipient physically and emotionally ill.

It is important to distinguish shame from guilt, embarrassment and humiliation.  Guilt is reacting to having done something bad, shame is the belief that we are bad.  Embarrassment is feeling self-conscious, uneasy and awkward when committing a social faux pas or engaging in scandalous behavior that becomes public knowledge.  Humiliation is disgrace, condescension, dishonor and shame.

Acknowledging our shame, working to understand our ‘inner life’ gifts us with an invaluable opportunity for achieving personal growth and psycho-spiritual maturation.

Working with shame requires us to recognize that we are not what we do.  When our self-worth is attached to our roles as parents, daughters, sons, siblings, husbands or wives, artists, entrepreneurs, employees, scholars, etc., we will experience soul-devastation when things don’t go well.

“The underbelly of the human psyche, what is often referred to as our dark side, is the origin of every act of self-sabotage.  Birthed out of shame, fear, and denial, it misdirects our good intentions and drives us to unthinkable acts of self-destruction and not-so-unbelievable acts of self-sabotage.”  ~Debbie Ford

It is paramount when working with shame to be loving and compassionate to ourselves.  Insecurities will arise, often when we are most vulnerable.  Strive to identify the feelings behind them.  Seek their origins and test them for their validity.

Move away from shame and toward embracing your authentic self, not the ‘who’ you think you are.

Blessings!

There are many kinds of treasure, tangible and intangible.  Wealth and riches, especially in the form of money, precious gems and precious metals, things that we value, are tangible forms of treasures.

Treasured relationships, spiritual strength, cultural heritage, a person who is greatly loved, respected or valued for their altruism and inspiration, these are examples of intangible treasures.

An article in The Press Democrat (Sunday June 9,2019) brought to my attention a treasure I didn’t know existed…The Windsor Historical Society’s museum.  The story of the Hembree House where artifacts, and relics of this area’s rich history are on display, was so interesting.  A photo of hand-carved wooden tools, created by the late George Greeott amazes and entices me to the museum to view his wood sculptures, described as excellent abstractions…”that possess a flowing, sinuous beauty.”

And the story of Fred Wiseman.  He built his own biplane in a tent, practiced takeoffs and landings on the Laughlin Ranch, before flying the first air-mail letter ever, from Petaluma to Santa Rosa in 1911.  His was also the first plane ever built in California.

Like our National, city and community parks, this historical museum and many others like them are true treasures.

This week I invite you to plan an outing to a local museum to relish the amazing treasures they preserve for our edification and enjoyment.

Refuge is shelter and/or protection from danger, trouble and persecution.

There are many forms of refuge:  wild-life, homeless, psycho-spiritual, behavioral, safety, retirement, educational, arts and creativity, monastic or social, altruism and tyranny, family and friends, career and vocation.

The two main forms of refuge are ‘outer’ and ‘inner’.  They are not mutually exclusive, as both can be exercised simultaneously. In all of these processes, the goal is comfort and security.

As referenced above, refuge can be positive or negative.  Seeking refuge in chronic helplessness, anger or self-righteousness is seeking security regardless of the dysfunctional quality, however, it can lead to alchemical transformation.  Seeking refuge in nature, creativity and the pursuit of personal growth is security seeking behavior, and, it also, can be energetically positive or negatively transforming.

Refuge does not inure us from experiencing the problems and suffering coming from our ‘little’ world or from the ‘global’ world.  It does provide ‘time out’; it gives us respite.

This refuge provides the opportunity to connect to the spirit of our true selves; and to the Great Spirit…inner and outer refuge…ultimate security.  It is in this niche that we find the solid footing that enables us to stand against the fiercest winds of adversity and not be shaken loose.

I invite you this week to explore your personal refuges.

Blessings!

“The greater mistake a man can make is to be afraid of making one.”  This quote out of a fortune cookie inspired this week’s blog.

The definition of mistake is variously, error, omission, flaw, blunder, slip-up, oversight, miscalculation, misunderstanding, misreading, boo boo, goof, misconception, etc.  These can be divided into two categories.

One acknowledges that mistakes are a normal part of human behavior and essential to the growth of the authentic self; the other reflects shame, incompetence, fear and inadequacy.

Oversight, misunderstanding, error or miscalculation are opportunities for growth.  As infants we make many ‘mistakes’ learning to turn over, crawl, sit-up, walk and run.  It is a trial and error process that leads to accomplishment and success.  Yet, as adults, this abundance of experience is overcome by fear of appearing foolish, unprepared, inadequate, or ignorant.

Blunders, faux pas, slips, boo boos, goofs, imply incompetence and stupidity.  Mistakes that create embarrassment and shame. This category reflects a societal and familial belief that mistakes are bad, creating anxiety and avoidance; the more important the decision, the greater the anxiety.  Hence, we often try to avoid making decisions.  There is an important distinction here.  For example, a person who drives under the influence with or without tragic consequences, has not made a ‘mistake’, they have used very poor judgement.

So many platitudes about learning from our mistakes state that this learning should be quick and easy.  You don’t make the same mistake twice implying that if you do there is something wrong with you.  In reality we make the same mistake repeatedly, often aware that we are doing it, but not knowing why.

The path to self-actualization includes re-framing our belief and experience with mistakes.  We are going to make thousands of them in a lifetime, unmemorable and significant.

Mistakes can become magnifying glasses for personal transformation, or remain symbols of personal inadequacy and failure.  We have the power to choose.

Blessings!

There are many kinds of adjustments, both personal and collective; financial, aging, health, marriage, children, volume, chiropractic, position, social, cultural, location, dietary…the list goes on and on.

Adjustment is defined as making a small change or alteration to achieve a desired result; to make something fit or be more suitable…to have things work more smoothly.  It is the process of getting used to, adapting, to a new situation.

To make an adjustment is to compromise, improve or modify a circumstance or situation to reduce cognitive dissonance, lessen stress and enable a greater sense of inner peace.  To adjust is to cope with change as positively as possible.

“Getting older and adjusting to all the things that biologically happen to you is not easy to do and is a constant struggle and adjustment.”  ~France McDormand

Yes, adjustment is a struggle…a little struggle like adjusting pillows for maximum comfort, or the great struggle of dealing with great personal loss.

“Life is the continuous adjustment of internal relations to external relations.”  ~Herbert Spencer

As you move into your week, I invite your awareness to focus on your personal adjustment process, paying special attention to your successes and noting the presence of your authentic self and the power of your faith.

Blessings!

Each week I go on a hunt for a word for this blog.  After several years, it has become more challenging and more interesting.

This week’s word, privilege, opened up a broad vista of variation and intensity.  Privilege is an advantage, a special right or an immunity bestowed upon certain people, groups of people or corporations.  It is also something seen as a rare opportunity which brings a particular pleasure.

Examples of different kinds of privilege are: racial, social status, wealth, gender, attractiveness, thinness, age, intellectual, sexual, physical ability, religious and political.

The NCCJ (National Conference for Community and Justice, nccj.org), defines privilege as, “Unearned access to resources (social power) that are only readily available to some people because of their social group membership; an advantage, or immunity granted to or enjoyed by one societal group above and beyond the common advantage of all other groups.  Privilege is often invisible to those who have it.”

“Human rights are not a privilege granted by the few, they are a liberty entitled to all, and human rights, by definition, include the rights of all humans, those in the dawn of life, the dusk of life, or the shadows of life.”  ~Kay Granger

As I plunged deeper into various aspects of privilege, I discovered The Happy Philosopher and his astute blog, The Messy Truth About Privilege, Nov.21, 2017.  It is a compelling read.  To fully appreciate his quote, “Remember, there is almost nothing that is black and white in this world, only beautiful colors and endless shades of gray.  Savor the nuance.”, one must read his blog.

I found these two quotes which stood out because of their likeness to one another.

“The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.”  ~Joseph Campbell

“I truly believe that the privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.”  ~Viola Davis

Both Campbell and Davis were and are very accomplished and respected in their chosen careers.

I love the spontaneous repetition and resonant energy of these quotes.  Like beacons on the journey to the authentic self, they remind me of the gracious privilege that is my path, ‘a rare opportunity which brings a particular pleasure.’

Blessings!

…describes today’s blog-post.  As I prioritize through the overwhelm  I wrote about last week, this week’s posting is brief.  Sifting through a group of quotes, the following spoke to me; resonating at deeper levels of growth.

This week I invite you to meditate upon it, digest it…perhaps discovering a resonance within.

“It’s virtue to be growing through your life rather than going through your life.  The object is not to change other people or situations; it is to do the inner work they stimulate.”  ~Wally Amos

Blessings!

Tact is a key practice in psychospiritual development and maturity.  Tact requires an understanding of others; their ideas, beliefs, opinions and feelings.  It aids in effective communication, especially when dealing with difficult or delicate situations.

“Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.”  ~Isaac Newton

The tactful use of words requires a judicious use of sensitivity, discernment, subtlety, skill, prudence and diplomacy.  To attain fluency requires practice and good judgment.  Applicable to all relationships, tactful dialogue improves communication and builds mutual respect.

“Don’t flatter yourselves that friendship authorizes you to say disagreeable things to your intimates.  On the contrary, the nearer you come into relation with a person, the more necessary do tact and courtesy become.”  ~Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

None of us will ever achieve perfection in the fullness of tactful expression.  Emotional triggers are not always containable by the artful use of this powerful skill.  However, commitment to daily practice as part of our spiritual discipline, will produce a high yield of authentic communication, self-esteem and inner peace.

“Tact is the intelligence of the heart.”  ~Anonymous

Blessings!

Effortless behaviors, actions and words are smooth, flowing, easy, elegant and graceful.  They are simple, painless, trouble-free and straightforward.

The Fr, effort and LL, effortiare roots of the word ‘effort’ mean to strengthen, compel; strenuous exertion.  Behind effortless movement is work, often hard work, and commitment.

There are those among us who embody an ease and graceful elegance that appear as a natural part of their being.  Alas, the rest of us are bereft of this gift.

However, even those so gifted must engage discipline, focus, and repetitive practice to achieve effortless activity.

A wonderful example is Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.  “Fred Astaire’s style, elegance and graceful approach to movement made him the most acclaimed dancer in the motion picture industry.”  (Los Angeles Times, June 1987).  Ginger Rogers, singer, actress and Astaire’s dance partner is famously cited for doing everything Fred Astaire did, only backwards while wearing high heels.  (Frank & Ernest Cartoon, Bob Thaves, 1982).  They had to work hard, put forth strenuous effort and dedicated practice to achieve those stunning results.

Knowing that elegant, smooth, effortless behavior can be attained through diligent practice and commitment to achieve some degree of mastery of this art, is inspiring.  And that achievement can have broad ranging effects on our overall enjoyment, quality of life and inner peace.

“If you’re not someone who has a natural and effortless love for yourself, it’s hard to let go of your desire to please other people, and that is really not an ingredient for a happy life.”  ~Anne Hathaway

And this quote by Debbie Ford, “When you know in your bones that your body is a sacred gift, you move in the world with an effortless grace.  Gratitude and humility rise up spontaneously.”

I invite you this week to examine your own effortless behaviors, and acknowledge and celebrate the body of work, practice and commitment behind them.

Blessings!

It began March 5 and will go direct on March 28, having spent the entire time in Pisces.  Mercury rules thought and communication, add the watery influence of Pisces, and communication and thinking can be overwrought with emotionalism.

During this retrograde the full moon was a supermoon, and it occurred simultaneously with the vernal equinox.  That is a lot of energy!

Although we tend to focus on the negative side of Mercury retrogrades (and this one seems particularly disruptive to communication networks of all kinds and to our emotional fragility), there is another perspective.

“Try to see things differently – It’s the only way to get a clearer perspective on the world and on your life.”  ~Neal Shusterman

Mercury retrogrades provide an opportunity to slow down, to focus inward, to self-reflect.  They offer copious circumstances for practicing patience.  They can reveal things we need to change; in our way of thinking and our way of communicating.

Communication challenges, for example, can lead to relationship breakthroughs, and assist us in finding more authentic expression.

It is a great time to examine our communication style in both our outer and inner world.  How do you talk to yourself?  Are you kind, compassionate, loving and supportive?  How do you talk to others?  Is it different than your inner dialogue?

“We all get so caught up in the moment of what we are doing everyday, it’s hard to hit the reset button and get pulled away from all that and see life from a different perspective.”  ~Tony Stewart